UGH! Don't want to mess up :(

  I don't know what's wrong with me. I was doing just fine today. Really I was! I was so proud of my willpower and my plans to workout and everything and then BAM! The urge to wolf down some Taco Bell or real mexican food hit me!
 
  We're talking that ooey-gooey, yummy yellow queso with the corn chips, followed by something, who-cares-what, sour cream and guacamole covered concoction. I called my husband to get him to talk me down and he was busy. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice that well, but there wasn't any reason for him to stay on the phone if he was busy at work.

  I had to go back to work as well. I swear I have more energy and willpower and am getting more done, yet I'm feeling a little like I'm everywhere at once. Does any of this make sense?

  No, I didn't workout yesterday. Strike that. I only did 60 upper body crunches and 60 lower body crunches. But my food was fantastic! I don't want to mess up. It sounds dumb but I'm an "all or nothing" type person. So yes, if I eat a cookie, to me I screwed up the whole day. I don't over do my workouts or anything, I just screw up even more. Then I say, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be perfect," yet tomorrow never comes.

  GRRRRRRRRR! I'm trying to find some super low calorie and low carb mexican recipe that will satiate my need for that food without making me binge on it. *SIGH* If you know of one, PLEASE share it!

  Oh! BTW, the pic below helped calm me down. It's a great trick in case you need one. "To eat, or not to eat?" Thin on the left, or reality on the right? I'm calm now.

 Love ya! Later.

Getting Antsy

  Okay, I am having a really hard time today. I have to stay at work pretty late and I'm not happy about it. Keep in mind that my job is one that IS commission based. If I don't stay, I won't get a client and I won't make any money. However, the problem I'm having right now is that I want to go run! NOW! I want to workout until I can't breathe!

  I'm eating just fine. I'm really not even obsessing over food. The hardest time I had was after I caught a whiff of the pizza some company dropped off by my office today. Other than that, I've been doing great!

  No headaches, slight tummy growls, but fine in regards to food. I'm not salivating over anything at all. In fact, my energy is up today from what it was yesterday. I'm psyched about that! I just can't stand sitting here in my chair at my desk. My mind is racing, yes, about how I can do things better. I want to look and feel as I did before. I want things lining up as before and under control. I need to go and jump on an elliptical machine as soon as possible!

  I can't just SIT here, not moving, any longer! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

MONDAY...NEW START?

  Does anyone else do this? Try and start over because it's the beginning of a new week? I do this all of the time. It's a new week, I'll be perfect and leave all of the weeks filled with mistakes behind me. So I'm thinking this week, starting today of course, I'll return to the whole "Low-Carb" phenom. 

  I know, I know. It'll probably change by mid-week, and I'll be onto something crazy like the Lemonade Diet for next week. Shows what you know. I can't stand the Lemonade Diet. Honestly, out of everything I've ever tried (making myself sick included), that is the nastiest thing ever and I refuse to subject myself to it ever again.  I don't know how Beyonce did it, don't care how she did it, but not happening here.

  I know it's only been about 4 hours since I've been up, but I'm proud of myself. VERY proud of myself. You see, by now, especially since it's before I get to work, I'd probably had stopped off at McDonald's and gotten a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, large Dr. Pepper, and hashbrowns. All of which I would've been scolding myself for having eaten while eating it. OR, I'd take the lesser evil route, stopped at a coffee shop, ordered my usual Super Grande Guilt-Free Vanilla Latte with 2-Splenda, and a whole wheat triple berry muffin. And then mess it up within a half hour.

 

 So why am I proud of myself you ask? Because today I started out in the right mindset and stuck to it. I had two eggs, scrambled with a cup of skim milk. All measured, all calculated, and all tracked. I am doing the Low-Carb and sticking with it. So far I am not ravenous and I am not obsessing over food. Could it be the sugars and stress, insulin, and adrenaline that cause me problems? We shall see.

  Wish me luck! I'll talk to you later.

Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts

  Lately I can't make them stop. Something triggered me to snap back into this mode, I know that. But I can't keep my mind from racing. There's too much going on around me and far too much that I am responsible for. 

  I've been reminiscing of a time in which I had everything in check: I watched all that I ate (probably a little too much), exercised all of the time, was happy, my bills were paid on time, and I socialized just fine. Throw in a traumatic experience, a boyfriend, and crazy-hectic personal situation, and you have me for the past decade. OUT OF CONTROL. And I have to tell you, being out of control is far worse than being too in control.

  We're talking astronomical weight gain. It has been eating at me everyday. I went from helping myself to food when I was hungry or when I had to eat in front of others, to eating and obsessing over food all of the time: "What diet will I try?What food am I going to cook for him? If I eat this, I can just work out more. He loves me for me. My body doesn't matter. I won't gain weight. It's only 5 pounds. It's only 25 pounds. I can fix it, I can fix it, I can fix it, I can fix, I MUST fix it, I HAVE to fix it. I can't believe I ate that!"

  So what? That happens to everyone, right? In the matter of 10 seconds though? Yeah, 10 seconds. I would go from having planned a separate meal to gorging on brownies. The WHOLE pan! Or a bunch of hamburgers. Yeah, I'd make an excuse to go run to the store to pick something up, hop in a drive-thru lane, order 10 burgers, hoover them down, and have trouble getting rid of it.

  I couldn't stop myself! I would be sitting there, shaking in the car, this fire creeping up over me, consuming me, demanding to be fed. Each bite would promise more comfort, more taste, better filling to make the fire die down. And once I was out of burgers, a new burning would take over. I couldn't keep my solution. My stomach would churn, begging for release. The guilt of what I've done, the realization of the consequences would become far too much to bear, and there I was, pushing to make it come up. I would rinse out my mouth, clean up after myself, and go back into the living room where I shared my life with someone for the first time. So afraid he would see I wasn't perfect. That I was terrified of being alone, yet that's all I wanted, was to be alone. When I was alone I was fine. I'd daydream my dramatic life away, picture myself thin, and not think about food (well, not nearly as much). Whenever I'm around him, that's all I would do! Being the man that he was, he was and is always hungry! He can eat and eat and eat and never gain an ounce. 

  If I hadn't worked out for three hours that day, I'd get squirmy when he touched me, worried that he could feel my abs dissolving in his hands. The more we would be together, and I did want to be around him, the more I ate to ease my thoughts. It would control my nervousness for a little bit, but I would still be hungry later. So I would rinse and repeat.

  I miss being alone. If for nothing else, just because I had more control of me, my time, what I did, what I ate, and ultimately, how I looked and felt. No one was there to see flaws. No one got close to my personal space or looked me dead in the eyes to notice a tiny wince, giving everything away that I was smiling and joking to hide.

  I'm getting to where I'm avoiding eating in front of him again. Work is a great excuse, true, but as soon as I get home, that wave of binging takes over me. I hate it and want it to go away! I want to be me again. For me! I want the confidence, discipline, and compliments that came from me being as I am, or rather as I was.

  I'm not a beautifully thin girl as many expect someone with this way of being to be. I'd love to be that. I'd LOVE to be as my profile pic is. I crave that feeling you get when your stomach caves in from days of doing so good. When your hip bone starts to protrude. That's my gold star and I'm ready to have those again.

  

  

Here It Goes

  Hello everyone. This is my blog. What makes it different than any other blog that is obsessed with food and weight loss? I couldn't tell you. I don't read many of them.  This isn't really a pro-anything, but a way to record how I feel and what I'm doing on my journey of self control.
  I know I'm not the only one out there going through this. I'm hoping that I can find people who are in the same boat as me and we can share some of our same dilemmas.
  As you can see in my profile, I have a food obsession. Not just in the "I-want-to-lose-a-few-pounds-way". More of "I'm-already-on-the-darkside" way. I couldn't tell you exactly how it began or what triggers it to return. I can tell you that I, like many, fall into the statistics of coming from a verbally abusive home,  a physically abusive home, family problems with alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Again, nothing that makes me stand out as being different, but something that maybe...I don't know, helps me connect with others?
  I hope that writing here and sharing with you all will help me recognize some things about myself. Perhaps we can help each other. I'm not talking about dieting tips, weight loss tips, or anything like that. This isn't a place to come to if you want tips and tricks. That's not what this is about. This is about me, and possibly you, going through our own personal hell, trying to function as everyone else, and yet fearing that we're not perfect. Afraid that others will see that and fault us for it. Is it so wrong to just want to be happy? So what if being thin makes us happy, right?